I went to work today. It was equally not as bad as I thought it would be, but also so much worse. I told everyone about what happened, but most of them knew, though they didn’t know you were my brother. Apparently, all of Perth was talking about you on the weekend.
I had an email from someone that I’d sent some information last Thursday and when I was going through my emails, she’d replied with, “Thanks for letting me know, Siân. Have a great weekend!”
So that sucked because my weekend was very much not great. I think that’s what was hard. It was one of the “firsts” without you. First time going to work. Also, just going back and knowing the last time I was there, you were alive. Turning off the out of office I set when you were alive. It feels like everything is split into things I did when you were alive and things I’ve had to do since you weren’t.
I didn’t cry as much as I thought I would. I think that the normality of being in the office helped, plus the pressure to not lose my shit with other people around. I stayed back late since I didn’t get enough work done because I was so distracted during the day, and once most people had left the office, I started to cry a bit.
Then, when I left the office…my god, did it hit me. It was almost as though all of the hurt and tears that I’d pushed away during the day hit me at once. I sat in my car and screamed. I do that sometimes when I’m driving now, too. I cried almost as badly as I did on Saturday night. The pain is still incredibly intense and I feel utterly bereft when I think about all the things I don’t get to do with you around.
Another enjoyable event today? A complete stranger saw fit to message me their opinion on your accident via Facebook messenger. That was so enjoyable…not. I loved seeing someone who I don’t know telling me that you made a “silly mistake” as I don’t fucking know that. As if I needed to hear his thoughts on whether or not dropping the speed limit at that intersection would have made any difference. I didn’t reply to his message, but I did made a Facebook post about it. I’m still astounded by the sheer arrogance of him thinking his opinion is so important that he felt the need to send it to a grieving sister.
Driving is scary now. I don’t like it. Partially because I cry sometimes when driving, partially because I’m aware that I’m 100% of our parents’ children now. I’m driving as safely as I can, but it’s scary. I’m also tired because I’m not sleeping very well, which makes it scarier.
Then, when I got home, D was talking to L about WWE wrestling. He was telling him how even though they’re not really trying to hurt each other, it’s still really athletic and takes a lot out of the wrestlers. L then asked, “Do they ever get really hurt?”. I was in the study and they were in the bedroom. I called out, “Yeah, Mick Foley got hurt—” and then I lost it.
I was watching YouTube videos a few weeks ago, and the girl got her dad three Cameos for his birthday. I started looking into them and signed up, but hadn’t decided who to get for your birthday, because I knew it would be right up your alley.
On the 25th of March, I got an email that Mick Foley was having a special with $25 off. I mean…$75 for a Cameo from Mick Foley?!? Uh, yes! When I got it, it was so awesome. I’d forgotten to tell him how to pronounce my name, that I was your sister (I just said you were my brother, so he wasn’t sure), and he mentioned that I had gotten it three months early because I’m a cheapass.
When you send someone a Cameo link, it records their reaction. He mentioned that he thought I’d give it to you early, but I was determined to keep it until your birthday. I regret that now. I wish you’d seen it. I wish I had a video now of your reaction when you watched it for the first time.
Nobody ever thinks that someone they love is going to die as suddenly as you did. I realised that on Tuesday, I didn’t even say goodbye to you. I just said, “Hey, I have to take L home, can you move your car because I’m behind you?”
You said, “I just have to make T a bottle and change his nappy, then I’ll go.” I walked into another room to talk to Mum and when I came out you were gone. I didn’t know that would be the last time I would see you. I would’ve said that I loved you. I would’ve said goodbye. I would’ve said not to go away on the weekend. Hindsight is 20/20.