Dear Jared,

I went to work today. It was equally not as bad as I thought it would be, but also so much worse. I told everyone about what happened, but most of them knew, though they didn’t know you were my brother. Apparently, all of Perth was talking about you on the weekend.

I had an email from someone that I’d sent some information last Thursday and when I was going through my emails, she’d replied with, “Thanks for letting me know, Siân. Have a great weekend!”

So that sucked because my weekend was very much not great. I think that’s what was hard. It was one of the “firsts” without you. First time going to work. Also, just going back and knowing the last time I was there, you were alive. Turning off the out of office I set when you were alive. It feels like everything is split into things I did when you were alive and things I’ve had to do since you weren’t.

I didn’t cry as much as I thought I would. I think that the normality of being in the office helped, plus the pressure to not lose my shit with other people around. I stayed back late since I didn’t get enough work done because I was so distracted during the day, and once most people had left the office, I started to cry a bit.

Then, when I left the office…my god, did it hit me. It was almost as though all of the hurt and tears that I’d pushed away during the day hit me at once. I sat in my car and screamed. I do that sometimes when I’m driving now, too. I cried almost as badly as I did on Saturday night. The pain is still incredibly intense and I feel utterly bereft when I think about all the things I don’t get to do with you around.

Another enjoyable event today? A complete stranger saw fit to message me their opinion on your accident via Facebook messenger. That was so enjoyable…not. I loved seeing someone who I don’t know telling me that you made a “silly mistake” as I don’t fucking know that. As if I needed to hear his thoughts on whether or not dropping the speed limit at that intersection would have made any difference. I didn’t reply to his message, but I did made a Facebook post about it. I’m still astounded by the sheer arrogance of him thinking his opinion is so important that he felt the need to send it to a grieving sister.

Driving is scary now. I don’t like it. Partially because I cry sometimes when driving, partially because I’m aware that I’m 100% of our parents’ children now. I’m driving as safely as I can, but it’s scary. I’m also tired because I’m not sleeping very well, which makes it scarier.

Then, when I got home, D was talking to L about WWE wrestling. He was telling him how even though they’re not really trying to hurt each other, it’s still really athletic and takes a lot out of the wrestlers. L then asked, “Do they ever get really hurt?”. I was in the study and they were in the bedroom. I called out, “Yeah, Mick Foley got hurt—” and then I lost it.

I was watching YouTube videos a few weeks ago, and the girl got her dad three Cameos for his birthday. I started looking into them and signed up, but hadn’t decided who to get for your birthday, because I knew it would be right up your alley.

On the 25th of March, I got an email that Mick Foley was having a special with $25 off. I mean…$75 for a Cameo from Mick Foley?!? Uh, yes! When I got it, it was so awesome. I’d forgotten to tell him how to pronounce my name, that I was your sister (I just said you were my brother, so he wasn’t sure), and he mentioned that I had gotten it three months early because I’m a cheapass.

When you send someone a Cameo link, it records their reaction. He mentioned that he thought I’d give it to you early, but I was determined to keep it until your birthday. I regret that now. I wish you’d seen it. I wish I had a video now of your reaction when you watched it for the first time.

Nobody ever thinks that someone they love is going to die as suddenly as you did. I realised that on Tuesday, I didn’t even say goodbye to you. I just said, “Hey, I have to take L home, can you move your car because I’m behind you?”

You said, “I just have to make T a bottle and change his nappy, then I’ll go.” I walked into another room to talk to Mum and when I came out you were gone. I didn’t know that would be the last time I would see you. I would’ve said that I loved you. I would’ve said goodbye. I would’ve said not to go away on the weekend. Hindsight is 20/20.


Where should I send them?


Enter your email address to get your freebies delivered to your inbox. You'll also be added to my Readers' Group and you'll be the first to know the next time I have some cool stuff to give away (you can unsubscribe at any time).

You rock!

Want to know more about Gabriel and Ariana?


Enter your email address below to get free gifts!

You'll receive the first two chapters of The Album as well as the first chapter rewritten from Gabriel's POV, which is an exclusive for people who subscribe to my newsletter.

 You'll also be added to my Readers' Group and you'll be the first to know the next time I have some cool stuff to give away (you can unsubscribe at any time).

You rock!