It’s the fucking worst. It is. On Tuesday, it will be a full week since I saw you last. On Saturday, it will be a full week since you died. Time won’t stop for me. It keeps going. I can’t make it stop as much as I want to.
When Kaleb died, you probably did the same thing I did, and tried to imagine what it would be like for you if I died. I told our cousins I was sorry for their loss and pretended that I knew what it would be like if you died.
I had no idea.
This is a thousand times worse than anything I ever imagined. I’ve cried so much that my eyes hurt and I have headaches. Sometimes, I’ll be okay for a little bit, then it will hit me again and I lose it.
The pain is so absolutely, unbearably intense sometimes that I want to die.
I saw T last night, though. He’s beautiful and he’s starting to speak. He called I “Mama” and she said that he hasn’t yet learned how to say “Dada” and that killed me. She’s going to keep your memory alive, though. He’s going to know that he had a dad who loved and cherished him.
K mentioned bringing the kids down to see us. They’re devastated at the loss of their father. I’m going to tell them how much you loved them, and that on Tuesday you were going on and on about what they were up to and showing off their pictures.
I know that you died happy. I know that two hours and ten minutes before the crash, you posted a picture to Facebook that literally said life was ‘so good’. That should make this easier, but it doesn’t, because you’re gone. I want you to have had a shitty, boring weekend where you didn’t go anywhere and you didn’t die.
We talked about the funeral last night. Planned how it’s going to be. Where you’re going to be buried. Shit that we should not be talking about. I hate that when Mum and Dad die, you’re not going to be doing that with me. I told them that I’d much rather have you at their funerals than them at your funeral. I’m mean. But they agreed.
Personally, I think we should show some furry porn at the funeral. You know, just for laughs. Because, seriously, who has furry porn come up on the screen at their funeral, right? Not once, but twice! I hope you know now that it wasn’t mine. 🤣
The police said the car was in your blind spot. It makes it a bit better, but it doesn’t bring you back. Sometimes I’m angry at you because I wish you’d just fucking waited until it was completely clear. Sometimes I’m angry at the government for not fixing that intersection. Mostly, I’m just angry that my brother is a statistic. 9 people have died there. Maybe they’ll do something and there won’t have to be a number 10. But fixing that intersection won’t bring you back. Nobody else could ever die there, but you would still be dead.
I have to go to work tomorrow. I have to pretend everything is normal. I have to live my life. I don’t know how to do any of these things.
The pain is still so bad that I want to die. I love you and I always will.